Embracing normality during grief: How the Start Family honour Matthew Start
‘Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.’
When we look at the English language there are words to describe the landscape after grief. We use the words widow, widower and orphan. Famously there is not a common word to use for parents who have lost a child.
Instead of a term, families look to memories and precious moments. They continue to honour and treasure the time they had with their child. This sentiment continues even after they are grown and fly the nest. Once your child, always your child.
Phill and Sharon Start, share with us their experience after losing their eldest son, Matthew ‘Starty’ Start, to bowel cancer in 2016.
Unexpected news
‘Matt called us and asked us to come in. He’d just gone to the hospital for some check-ups,’ Phill says. ‘When we got there, he said, “look, it’s not good news.”’
Matt had been diagnosed with Crohn’s disease at age 16 and due to the similar symptoms was unaware of his cancer, until the doctor informed Matthew that he had stage 4.
Phill and Sharon express that finding opportunities to embrace the normal and mundane helped immensely.
Sharon says, ‘Normality is really important, especially at these times. And not just the person going through the ordeal but for everyone else connected to him.’
‘We didn’t always try to have that conversation with him,’ Phill says, ‘If we’re at the footy, we were at the footy. There was no “how are you travelling today?” …It was just having some of that normality, because that was what Matt wanted.'
Choosing a resting place
The Start family have found comfort in the routine of visiting Matt at Bunurong Memorial Park, a space where other beloved family members are close by.
Sharon says, ‘My mother was here at Bunurong. There were a couple of other places opening up and so not far from my mother was this lovely place along the creek.’
‘For Matthew, loving landscapes and the great outdoors that was just the perfect place for him,’ Sharon says.
The surrounding natural world, elements of water and the roses represented Matthew. ‘Whichever way you look, it was him,’ Sharon says.
Matthew was a plumber, with many of his friends also in the trades, and they frequently travel down the highway outside of Bunurong Memorial Park.
Every time they pass, ‘They give him [Matthew] a hoot, in hello,’ Sharon says.
One of the aspects that stood out to Phill about Bunurong was the gardens and atmosphere.
‘It doesn’t feel like a cemetery,’ Phill says.
‘There's joy and there's colour and there's smiles,’ Sharon says. ‘If you are not feeling joyful when you get here—which is fine—there are plenty of things that make you feel better about where your loved one is.’
An important part of visiting is keeping the connection with loved ones and allowing space to reflect.
Sharon says, ‘People can laugh, joke and remember the good times.’
Sharon also finds peace and comfort in nature.
She says, ‘Bunurong’s role in the healing process for me is being surrounded by the natural world…like the open skies, the breeze that blows across the open paddocks, the water, the birds twittering, the seasons that are obvious with the trees.’
Phill says, ‘To me that’s what “keeping the real” means…Keeping the relationship alive. It’s just the physical change that’s happened, it’s not the emotional or the connection.’
Phill explains, ‘Because Matthew dealt with what we call ‘Mattitude’. Meaning that when things are tough this is how you deal with it.’
‘We both agreed that this is how we’re going to make sure that we treat it overall moving forward as well. It will be disrespectful for us to look at it any other way, other than yes, we lost our son, and it stinks but it’s happened and it’s how we deal with it moving forward out of respect to him.’
‘We celebrate his Birthday, we celebrate New Year’s Eve, Father’s Day, Mother’s Day. Anything that our family celebrates, we include him.’
Celebrating Birthdays
During 2021, back in the throes of lockdowns, Phill and Sharon had wanted to plan a party for Matt’s 40th birthday.
They were faced with many delays and uncertainty due to COVID-19 restrictions. However due to a last-minute stroke of luck they were able to get a booking at their local pub.
After worrying about missing the chance to celebrate Matt, Phill and Sharon were able to bring family and friends together.
They had custom t-shirts made with famous ‘Mattisms’, his favourite music, and to top it all off, a birthday cake with a twist—it had two candles.
They celebrated Matt into the late evening and at the stroke of midnight, August 6 turned into August 7, meaning everyone got to wish him a 41st birthday as well.
Pictures worth more than 1000 words
Phill and Sharon paint a warm picture of Matthew Start. They talk about a childhood spent in the outdoors, surrounded by friends and endless sporting activities. He had a strong personality and a charisma that drew people together. Athletic, artistic and endlessly loyal.
‘Matthew as a child growing up was very energetic, athletic, happy. He loved sports; he loved his friends.’ Sharon says. ‘He was a joy.’
Phill says, ‘He was a pretty protective older brother, he always looked after the younger two. If there was an issue he always followed up. He was super protective with his friends and others.’
This protectiveness extended to concern over how his family would fare after his passing.
Phill says, ‘He was worried how we’d all go afterwards…he was worried about us; he was worried about the boys.’
Matt had shared with his parents that he enjoyed their shared interest in photography.
Phill says, ‘He [Matt] said… “I love the fact that you and mum do photography.”’
It’s through their photography that Sharon and Phill are able to share their love of Matt and their precious memories of him. In honour of him, they initially created a calendar to raise funds for the Cancer Council through the Relay for Life.
‘We heard that there was a Relay for Life, helping raise funds and awareness for the cancer council. So, we thought maybe we’d do a calendar.’
Matthew’s spirit and resilience throughout his diagnosis inspired the creation of the word ‘Mattitude’.
Now at the back of each calendar made by Phill and Sharon, reads: ‘Mattitude is how you deal with adversity’.
Each year around the time of Matt’s birthday, Phill and Sharon release a calendar to raise funds for the Cancer Council.
Matt’s Birthday is August 7 and in honour of him, they are releasing their 2025 calendar.
If you need support, we are here to help. We encourage you to visit smct.org.au/help for a list of bereavement counselling and support organisations or to take a look at the resources offered through our Community Care and Wellbeing Program. You can also view Griefline’s resources on self-care during grief.